Hello and welcome to our brand spanking new column where we, humble worker bees of The High Press, guide you through the latest ins and outs of the frankly ludicrous world of the Premier League transfer market.

Youri Tielemans > Aston Villa (Free)

Speculation was rife throughout season 22/23 as to where our soon-to-be-contractless friend of the occasional outrageous goal would end up. Arsenal? United? Well as it turns out, none of the above. Unai Emery has swept down, much like a winged and fanged nocturnal mammal, and seized Tielemans to join his flock of increasingly capable looking midfielders. Can he power Villa to European glory for the first time since 1982? No…the Intertoto Cup does not count.

Alexis Mac Allister > Liverpool (£35m)

Everyone knows the best thing about Alexis Mac Allister is that his brother is called Kevin. Kevin Mac Allister sounds like a character from Grange Hill, despite being Argentinian. He does have other qualities, such as being a World Cup winner and being rather good at this whole football thang. One suspects he will be one of the reasons Liverpool will challenge again next season, which is a pity given their bafflingly poor form at times last season kept us amused.

Kevin Schade > Brentford (£22m)

Who the hell is Kevin Schade, you may well ask. The eagle-eyed may have noticed him racing down the wings of the Gtech Community Stadium during the latter half of last season, following his loan from Bundesliga side SC Freiburg. During his 18 appearances he notched up an impressive zero goals and one assist, which was more than enough to convince Thomas Frank to part with £22m. He’s still only 21 though, so plenty of time to bloom for The Bees.

Back for more next week.